


From SHINee with Love.

by taemkt



Category: SHINee
Genre: Gen, emo shinee, there is no actual scene but its there, tw for dec. 18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-24
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-01-31 10:59:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18589897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taemkt/pseuds/taemkt
Summary: 5 members. 5 diaries. 5 entries.





	1. Jinki

**Author's Note:**

> Yes. The title is from James Bond. Also, some chapters are a bit more emo than the others. I hope you enjoy it. Never forget that this is just fiction. :))

August 21, 2017  
5:29 AM

This morning my eyes opened to darkness. I don’t remember when I got home but I knew I was in my bed. Right now I’m holding this pen like I know what to write about. Lately I’ve been getting these strange emotions. Feelings of fear and loneliness. But I’m not sure where they’re coming from. The house feels too empty, maybe everyone’s gone. Last night I booked a hotel room but I couldn't get away. Doesn’t make sense does it? I feel lonely and instead of finding someone to talk to, I isolate myself. The thing is, the feeling I’m getting wouldn’t be cured by just anyone’s company. It's the kind of feeling where you wish you could yell out what you’re going through, yet you can’t because if anyone hears you they’ll look at you as if you were crazy. And you know? Maybe I am crazy. Maybe there really is no one who would understand. Its funny that I say this when I’m constantly telling everyone that others go through the same things. I comfort others when they are down but I can’t seem to be able to do the same for myself. At times I feel as if I don’t deserve that comfort, I don’t deserve to be helped and I should be sad and lonely forever. I sound silly. If this was Harry Potter this paper would have taken the form of a smile and it would have laughed at me. I mean, I’m laughing at myself, too. 

 

12:05 PM

They’re downstairs. The members. Usually I’d stay with them, but I’ve taken an interest to writing things down. I’ve never tried diaries, but perhaps my loneliness can be translated into words. Like I said, I also feel scared. I could be stressed but nothing is really going on. The year is going so well for me, for SHINee, for the company. It's rather unusual for me to be feeling this way all of a sudden. Today during the shoot I thought, “Why not go see a therapist?” And it's true, why not? I’ve been to one before, when I started to get a little bit too friendly with alcohol, but it wasn’t a big deal. The members didn’t seem to care either. Somehow this time it feels different. This time it feels like if I were to start getting help, the dynamics would change. That makes no sense, and yet it does. I’m the leader, I’m expected to know what to do, how to handle stressful situations. After each anniversary, I tell myself, “This year will be stronger,” but instead I grow weaker. They would never judge me and neither would the company. It's just me. Only I would judge myself and somehow that's worse. I have to go now, I think I heard something break. 

 

October 19, 2017  
8:52 PM

It's getting worse. I’m getting worse. I never thought I’d say this again, but my hands seem to find themselves around a liquor bottle more often than before. I thought I’d gotten better. I don’t know what happened. I’m not sure what’s happening. Currently I’ve shut myself in the small bathroom on the second floor. I left the boys a couple of minutes ago, I didn’t want them to see me when it hit me. Hopefully they don’t come looking for me I feel too exhausted to say anything. Wait, no. I hope they do. I hope someone comes to check on me. Honestly… what I want. What I want is for someone to hug me. Anyone. I want them to ask if I’m alright. I want them to tell me everything’s ok and that I’ll be ok because I’m not so sure anymore. All I’m asking

 

October 20, 2017  
2:08 AM

Minho. He knocked on the door and I got so scared I hid my notebook before he could barge in. I’m back in the bathroom again. I guess this almost feels like a safe haven. No one ever uses this bathroom, they prefer the bigger one at the end of the hall. I’m not sure why Minho decided to use this one out of all the bathrooms in this house. Does he know? No. Maybe. I’ve been doing a good job at keeping this to myself. And I’m usually pretty reserved. I doubt any of the members have noticed anything, considering the fact that I’ve learned how to be myself even when I don’t feel like myself. I’m tired. I want to sleep. My head is pounding with a headache, which is my fault. I shouldn’t have drank earlier. Even if I closed this book right now and I got into bed, sleep would not come for another few hours. So here I am. Maybe I’ll sleep in here. The rug is warm from sitting on it for longer than I should and the lights are adjusted to just below dim. Actually I can’t see the words I’ve written. Are they disappearing? I’d like to disappear as well.

 

December 20, 2017  
5:03 AM

The weather today will be beautiful I can feel it. It's still dark out but I can hear the birds. Maybe they feel the same way. I have the urge to open the window and grab one, listen to it sing all day. But I don’t. I can’t. Lately that’s all I can say for myself. I can’t. Lying under these sheets sounds better than getting up and having some water. Or opening the door for the grandma across the hall, who just wants to check up on me. Hiding here feels better than having to hear that it's been days since I last ate. I don’t think any of that matters. I don’t even feel hungry and the dryness of my throat would still be there after a gallon of water. But this warmth that the blankets give me. It's always there. It's there for me. And that's all I need. It doesn’t need to speak for it to tell me that I’m ok. Because I think I’m ok. I don’t think I’m the one that needed to hear it, anyway.


	2. Jonghyun

February 20, 2017  
3:02 AM

This book was staring at me from under the stack of papers on my desk. Jinki asked me if I would write in it and I said I don’t know. I can’t sleep. That’s all I can write about. I’m so tired. My eyes burn from hours of having them open and my head keeps pulsing like it’s going to explode. There’s no point in going back to bed. I have to get up in like two hours anyway. We have rehearsal, as usual. Then we have a photoshoot, as usual. I bet I sound like a spoiled child, but I don’t care. I don’t care. Life moves around me. Someone is starting a new job, moving out, having a child, attending a funeral, or doing something new. Except me. I’m just here. After so long, this just doesn’t faze me anymore. In the mornings I wake up to the sound of my mom talking to herself as she cooks breakfast. I get ready and I eat. I leave the house and I do my job. I get home and I eat dinner. Then I go to bed. I sleep only some days. On other days I work on music until the lyrics on the paper look like dots instead of words. Oh. My alarm just went off. Time goes by too fast.

 

April 7, 2017  
1:33 PM

Taemin is so beautiful. He’s in the living room right now and he’s waiting for me to come back. I told him I needed to change my shirt but I just had to get out of the room to breathe. He’s been coming over a lot lately. That would be good news if I didn’t feel all choked up when he’s a couple feet away from me. I think I’m going to have to hide this journal somewhere because I can’t risk anyone opening it up and seeing this. I don’t even know what ‘this’ is. He’s never talked about anything related to dating or crushes. Actually there was this one time he had me help him avoid the girl in one of our music videos. That’s as far as he’s gotten. I’ve stopped myself from confessing because I don’t even know if he likes boys or just girls. 

 

July 10, 2017  
11:50 PM

My mom and my sister are gone. So now I’m in the kitchen. I don’t think I’ve ever been in the house alone. Someone is always home. Looking around right now, everything looks bigger than usual. Oh I almost forgot. I’m 27 now. Minho always says, “One more year of being alive!” But it’s more like one year closer to death. In one hand I have a pen and in the other I have a bottle of beer. It’s the third bottle, but that’s okay. All I want to feel right now is the bass coming from the speaker on the counter. It’s easy for me, just a couple and I can’t remember who I am. I don’t know who I am anyways.

 

September 3, 2017  
9:22 PM

I don’t understand. I truly just don’t get it. Everyone was so happy. We were doing just fine. But I opened my mouth. I didn’t mean it like that, I promise. I didn’t mean to ruin things and I’m sorry. I wish I could apologize for every stupid thing I do. I’m not sure how to get out of this constant cloud of negativity. It seems like everyday I wake up and I just feel irritated and tired. Tired, both physically and mentally. I look forward to the day I finally feel well enough to give my mom a real smile as I walk out the door. Or well enough to walk into work without scowling at everyone. They’re starting to notice. The guys are asking if I’m ok. What do I say to that? If I say no I have to explain why. If I say yes I have to put up with faces of concern because they know I’m lying. It annoys me sometimes. They act like my behavior is so shocking as if they’ve never experienced the same things. I probably look like a mess but honestly who cares? The way I look doesn’t matter. It only matters when I’m in front of a camera. Maybe my routine is messed up and I don’t shower everyday but those kinds of things are so miniscule. I can shower tomorrow or the day after. I can eat in a few hours, not now. It doesn't matter. 

 

December 16, 2017  
12:11 AM

This bed feels better than the one at home. The tan color of the walls comforts me more than the black of my bedroom. My clothes are new as well. I just bought them yesterday. Even my pen is new. This one is smoother, the loops of the letters form easier and the color is sharper. My credit card is still on the table near the door along with my things. I should get up and put it away. I should probably get up and get ready for bed. But I’m tired. I want to close my eyes. The world outside moves on without me. Years ago I imagined myself becoming part of that world. I thought I could be just like everybody else. I hoped to be like the many people in the cars driving past the hotel. Right now, though, we are the same. They drive to their destination and I drive to mine. My life is no longer a routine. I have a purpose now, just like them.


	3. Kibum

February 18, 2017  
11:18 PM

Of all the things Jinki could’ve gotten us, I never expected it to be a journal, or a diary he said. It seemed like something our manager would do. This feels so dumb. I think diaries only work when you’re feeling down, but I’m fine? I don’t think I’ll ever update this, it’ll probably end up in storage upstairs. I only made this entry so I could remember the day I got the gift. Dates are important like that. Pictures are good, too but it’s not like remembering the exact date that something happened. When someone reminds me about February 18th, I’ll think, “Oh that’s when Jinki got me the diary.” Maybe I’ll try to keep this up.

 

March 13, 2017  
10:52 PM

You know what’s so funny? How the kids always find a way to ruin the couch. I don’t even mean the members I mean Comme des and Garcons. Those jokes about being out and all you can think about is whether you locked your door or turned the stove off are real. Except I don’t think about any of those things, I’m more worried about if when I get home I’ll see a bunch of trash on the floor or the cushions in pieces. I’m getting rich but it still hurts. It’ll never be as bad as when I went out to buy some bread. Just some bread and I went back. Everything was fine at first but every time I turned around I saw them looking at me. And you know what that means. It means they did something. Your dogs always have something to say. Its either I’m hungry or your makeup is on the floor in the bathroom but please open the front door so I can run away. Anyways I started to look around and you won’t believe what I saw. MY SHOES. The whole rack was on the floor. I got closer and of course of all the shoes they could have bitten it had to be my Gucci loafers. My ugly flip flops were next to them but there was not a single bite mark on them. They’re picky. And they think it’s a joke. But do I still love them? Yes. Do they love me? Only when I feed them. 

 

May 28, 2017  
11:39 PM

Hello. Kibum here. I keep forgetting to update this but at least I’m here now. I read over my entries and I know I said I was fine but there’s something I have to say. I’m not about to get emotional though, that’s Jonghyun’s job. It's just that its been bothering me for a while now and why not share it here. So as everyone knows, I have an instagram. Bumkeyk. It’s not new though. Like everyone else on social media I post only the good things that happen, only things that I know the fans would want to see. Now that I’m writing this here my thoughts are not making any sense. Basically when I think about my internet persona, I can’t help but compare it to who I am in real life. I don’t really pretend to be someone I’m not, but online I seem like someone else. Bumkeyk is always hanging out with friends and cooking. He makes the fans laugh. But Kim Kibum lies in his bed all day when he has days off. It almost makes me feel as if fans wouldn’t like the person I am offline. Even in the group, I’m known as the moodmaker, the one that’s always making jokes. It’s not that I don’t do that, either. Sometimes all I want to do is take a break and relax or be silent all day. For some reason, I feel pressured to be lively all the time. Being serious and emotional around others makes me uncomfortable now because I’ve done it before and they just look at me like the world is ending. It’s not, I just want to cry for a little bit.

 

November 27, 2017  
6:18 PM

Um. Hello. It’s Kibum again. It’s been a really really long time since I last wrote something. Let’s just go through some updates. Most important: I got a cover for my couch and my anxiety has lessened. Also, I moved into a new apartment. That’s where I am right now. The members came and helped me unpack and get situated. I was supposed to finish organizing things, but I’m so exhausted. I took a shower and I’m lying on my bare mattress. This apartment is nicer, and closer to the studio, too. The kids seem to like it as well. Now that I’m here I’m able to relax and enjoy the peace. I’ve actually been feeling that way a lot. A couple months ago I decided to log out of my Instagram account every time I post and use that time for myself. I was starting to get really stressed out about the way I chose to live my life. In June, I booked a flight to Hokkaido. Honestly I just wanted to go somewhere where no one I knew lived. I went to this one spa and they gave me the best massage I’ve ever gotten. The lady was really going at it, but all I could think about was, “Why don’t I do this more often?” I don’t know why I don’t treat myself more. I work nearly all 365 days of the year and yet all I do is take a couple naps here and there. So I had an epiphany. I need to take care of myself. No more negativity. 

 

December 9, 2017  
2:30 AM

So something happened. I kind of got an actor of the year award. Well not kind of, I did. I’ve done dramas before but actually winning something… I kind of can’t believe it. Also yeah its really late, I just got home. I wasn’t expecting to win but I guess my friends were because they threw a party for me. It felt so nice to spend some time with friends. Last time I said I had been doing things for myself and that came with isolating myself from others a little bit. Life has been pretty good to me though. For the most part, any promotion is over with. All that’s left is year-end shows but those are more fun than they are stressful. I should pat myself on the back. SHINee worked hard this year. Even without a comeback I feel like this was one of our busiest years yet, especially for Taemin. Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen them in like two weeks. They weren’t at the party last night but it’s understandable. All of them are really busy people. All of us. I was thinking maybe I should pop into the group chat and organize some kind of get together but my manager called to tell me that I’m flying out of the country for a photoshoot. That’s alright, really. We can always do something together when I get back. Maybe I can cook for them. Or maybe not, they always find some way to make fun of me kk.


	4. Minho

March 20, 2017  
9:13 AM

It’s Monday. Today I’m Minho. My hair is brown and my face is bare. I’m going out with my dad today and meeting up with my brother at the park. We do things like that often. I would hate it if the fame got to me and I neglected my family. Everything is so important. Even sending them a Good morning :) or a Did you eat? matters. Telling them you love and appreciate them matters as well. Yesterday I saw Kibum take his journal into the bathroom. I wonder if I’m the only one that hasn’t written anything yet. Things like this hold no value for me. I prefer talking to people about my feelings. I think my entries will be pretty boring I don’t do much on my days off. I shouldn’t say that though. Seeing my family is enough, it’s more than enough.

 

May 25, 2017  
12:15 PM

It’s Thursday. Today I’m SHINee’s Minho. My hair is gelled up and my imperfections are covered. It’s our 9th anniversary actually. When I think back to the last 9 years I feel shocked. Back then I could never even begin to imagine what we were capable of achieving. Like any teenager I had dreams for myself and I knew I could be successful, just not like this. I even thought of what I’d do if I didn’t make it. I could go back and work for my dad or go back to school and find myself a regular job. I’m sure the boys felt the same way and still feel the same way now. We never talk about this. Whenever we meet up we have deep conversations, but never about how long we’ve been doing this. It’s always about the future. What we’d like to do and what our goals are. It’s nice. I tell them all the time but I am so grateful for them. Jinki takes too long to wake up in the morning. Jonghyun steals my car. Kibum yells at me for wearing yellow with brown. Taemin forgets to answer my texts. But I love them so much. I love SHINee and everything we’ve created. 

 

July 11, 2017  
6:08 AM

It’s Tuesday. I’m Minho again, but this time with friends. I’m going on a trip to Hong Kong. The flight isn’t too long and I’d usually be keeping myself entertained by listening to music. I was packing and I decided to bring this along with me. That way I could write when everyone went to sleep. My friend next to me passed out a couple minutes in and so I’m here now. I’m listening to Daniel Caesar. It’s that kind of day today. Soft music and quiet time. Last night I finished packing and I got a call from my manager. He told me I’d gotten casted in a movie. I went into Jinki’s room with two beer bottles. It’s times like those where I feel glad I don’t live on my own. Whenever I start overthinking or go through a phase, I can just go into the living room, sit next to Jinki, and wait for him to look at me with a question mark in his face. Sometimes I don’t say anything. I just close my eyes and he understands. He does the talking and then I jump in. I’m not the type to get emotional. When I cry it’s because I’m stressed out, but I step aside and find a room. There’s nothing wrong with crying it’s just that I cry once a year and when I do it’s really bad. I don’t want others to see all that. I’m not embarrassed I just don’t want others to think of it when they see me. Knowing the members they’d find a way to joke about it. 1 hour down, 3 more to go. 

 

August 4, 2017  
8:40 PM

I have a secret. A couple months ago during our Japanese tour we stayed at this really nice hotel. Our manager tells us to try to stay in our room but Taemin knocked on my door telling me to go with him downstairs. Apparently they were giving out free food. I went with him and I got myself a plate. Kibum joined us a bit after. I was feeling tired so I decided to leave early. On my way back to my room I met this girl on the elevator. I was about to turn around and say Hello but she was already looking at me. I turned around so fast and just started laughing. I don’t think she minded since she started laughing too. She told me she saw me grabbing some food earlier and wanted to come up to me and say something but my friends scared her. I understand. When I look at the members I get scared too, I think I’m the only good looking one. Just joking. I asked her how long she would be staying and she said she actually works there. I immediately looked down at her name tag: Hyejin. That’s the name I typed in when she gave me her number. After that, I started sneaking out every night to meet up with her. Sometimes I saw her at the front desk, sometimes she came by my room with the luggage cart. I invited her in one day but nothing happened. We just talked until it was time for her to go. Back then it wasn’t really a secret. But right now as I’m lying next to her, it is. I feel like some secrets just aren’t meant to be shared. I could tell my parents or my friends or even the other members. I could also tell no one. It’s fine like this. It’s not serious. Though I’d like it to be someday whether it’s with her or someone else. 

 

December 15, 2017  
12:02 PM

It’s Friday. Today I’m freezing. It’s so cold. But I’m a fool. The blanket is covering most of my body except the arm that’s extended out to be able to write this down. It’s such a nice day outside. It’s snowing and my city is holding its annual winter festival. In a few hours the streets are going to be filled with people. I invited some of the members, Jinki and Taemin. Jonghyun said he was busy and Kibum is in London. I’m also bringing Minseok along. The year is ending in about two weeks and I look forward to what 2018 brings. I say that every year but it’s true. The beginning of the year gives me so much motivation. Most people make resolutions that last one month or one day but I make commitments for the rest of the year. Accomplishing something you told yourself you would do is so satisfying. I’m not sure what resolutions to make. There are so many things I’d like to do. Also SHINee. Next year is our 10th anniversary. We’ve done so much and there’s still so much to do. I’m excited.


	5. Taemin

August 18, 2017  
11:48 PM

I don’t remember when I got this. I think Jinki got it for me but I don’t remember. I was looking for my phone and I found this stuck between a few manga novels on the top shelf of my bookcase. Not sure how it got there either. When I was younger I had a diary but I didn’t really write anything in it. I just drew random things and ripped paper out to throw at my friends. Thinking about it now, I probably shouldn’t have done that. It made my mom upset. I think she actually thought a 7-year-old child had been through enough to fill up a whole journal with thoughts and emotions. 19 years later and it’s still pretty much the same. After writing one word, I lose my train of thought and I get too lazy to actually finish. Well except this time. I guess I’m really bored.

 

August 22, 2017  
3:37 PM

I can’t do this. I can’t keep living like this. I’m so stupid. But I can’t keep this to myself. I have to tell someone. I locked myself in the bathroom stall because I couldn’t stop the tears from falling. There’s no one to talk to. No one that can understand. My friends haven’t noticed and I hope they don’t. I don’t want them to know about it but I want to tell them so badly. I want to tell them how hard this is. But they wouldn’t understand. I hate myself. I’m disgusting. I was about to shower but then I saw myself in the mirror. Growing up I knew changes would come. I never expected this though. I’m fat. I shouldn’t even blame puberty. It’s my fault. I deserve to suffer like this. I deserve to cry and be in pain because it’s all my fault. I can’t go a day without eating too much. This morning I ate some toast and when I got to work all I could think about was throwing up. Months ago I thought it wouldn’t be so bad but it is. I’m glad. The members don’t notice anything. When I go for hours without eating I distract myself by playing video games with Minho. That way if they ask why I haven’t eaten I can say it’s because I forgot. Even if they found out I wouldn’t listen to them. They could try to help me all they want and I still wouldn’t listen to them. They hate me. They want to make me fatter. They don’t understand that I have to do this.

 

October 30, 2017  
8:07 AM

One of the good things about traveling solo is that there’s no one there bothering you. You’re alone and you get the hotel room to yourself. A couple of hours ago I had some yogurt. 150 calories. My goal for today is at most 800 calories. It sounds like a lot but I’m going to be rehearsing and a few more calories wouldn’t hurt. The next time I eat will be dinner, probably at 3 PM. If I eat a bowl of japchae it’ll most likely add up to 558 calories. During practice I’ll eat a protein bar, 200 calories. 758 calories in total. Not too bad. Tomorrow will be better. I’m in Taiwan for a photoshoot. The location is beautiful. It’s a place that fills you with peace and calms you down. I sleep well at night but the problem is when I wake up. I wake up and I feel like crying. A weight falls down on my shoulders and there’s no way to get rid of it. However right now it’s been pulled off. It seems like the type of place you can bring your significant other. Or Jonghyun. I can’t believe I just wrote that. IN INK so now I can’t erase it. I shouldn’t have to. I wish I could write his name a thousand times on this paper, maybe he’ll appear in front of me. We can feel the breeze and watch the ocean together. My significant other.

 

November 7, 2017  
4:00 PM

I’m back in Korea. I stopped by Kibum’s house on the way home. He called me and told me it was urgent so I got there as soon as I could. It turns out he was reorganizing his closet and he couldn’t do it all by himself. I’m not complaining too much since it’s been a good month since we hung out, just us. One good thing came out of this (well two because his closet is organized now). I kind of confessed my feelings to him. I told him how the first time I’d felt something was when I was fourteen. A year after meeting Jonghyun. During that year I pretty much avoided him. He was intimidating and I didn’t understand why. When we got placed in the same group I thought maybe God was no longer on my side. I couldn’t avoid him anymore and it seems like he knew that’s what I’d been doing all along. He confronted me and that’s when I knew. He didn’t just scare me, I liked him. I wanted him to be my boyfriend. I wanted to run up and kiss him every time I saw him. That was when I was a teenager. Now, I see him and my heart jumps out. It’s no longer infatuation. I love him. He’s constantly talking about girls we meet, girls this girls that. My feelings should have been crushed long ago but for some reason I call and ask to come over instead just to make myself suffer even more. Besides, he deserves better. He deserves someone beautiful. Someone who takes his breath away and fills his heart with love. Maybe when I’m skinny enough he’ll realize I’m the one he’s been looking for.

 

December 19, 2017  
11:06 AM

I had water. 0 calories. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that actually read up to this point!! I really enjoyed writing this. Sorry if it was way too emotional than necessary. I started writing in a journal as well and I got this idea out of nowhere. Pls leave kudos and comments. You can also find me on Twitter, I’m always looking for new friends. @avectaemin :)


End file.
